I’m turning 29 this year; it’s been 10 months since I survived my first heartbreak; my brother who suffered a few manic episodes is still depressed.

When I was younger, I used to pretend my life was a movie, always waiting for my prince charming. My mom, however, was a realist – reminding me that I had to be strong and independent in this life.
I hated hearing this when I was young…but as it turns out, she was right. She wasn’t telling me these things to crush my dreams, she was merely telling me the truth.

Growing up, I was the princess of the family – babied by my mom, dad, and brother. My dad would buy me anything I wanted and I grew up not worrying about a thing. I trusted my older brother with my life. I believed he would support me financially and through whatever trouble I had in this life.

So when I say I was devastated. It doesn’t do justice.

My brother fell into depression and it grew worse and worse. As it got worse, five years ago he had his first manic episode which flipped our family upside down. Of course during this time, our family started struggling financially. My dad left us abandoned for a year. My mom would sleep in the car. My outlook on life switched from color to black and white, dull. I got into my first real relationship with a boy I was head over heels for. Our relationship was toxic, but I still believed I’d marry him. We called it quits, and I had never felt so cold and alone.

The problem with believing in someone as if your life depended on it is that you’re not supposed to. I thought I’d have someone (dad, brother, ex) who would care for me, provide for me until the end. But my experience is that nobody will care for you the way you do for yourself. And it’s actually not the end of the world once you accept it. But accepting it is the hardest part (I’d say). It’s not that people are evil and don’t want to. It’s that we’re human. We have limits and flaws. We’re not god.

I still am a romantic to a degree, but not like before (which, thank god). I’m living on my own, and trying to help support my family, financially. I will never compromise my identity for a boy or anyone ever again. I know that it’s up to me to make something of this life and that nothing good will come by if i just sit and wish. I know it is up to me to fight my own demons. I know that if I want something, it won’t fall in my lap, I have to work for it and ask.

I know I watch movies and read books because that’s where my romantic side can still live on. But I know in this life, I need to be strong and independent.